JEFF PROBST: Previously, on Survivor 3.01: The Yukon: Mr. B Natural’s induction into the core of the former Konga Tribe generally created bad feelings all around. While B followed orders and voted out his former Tribemate Melissa, Mickey’s willingness to trust B put him on shaky ground with the rest of the Rowsdower Tribe. However, Mickey was able to win Immunity, and B, his usefulness exhausted, was the next Survivor voted out of the Yukon. Now, seven remain.
[Rowsdower Campsite]
RUBY: Morning, everyone. What’s for breakfast? Like I don’t already know.
MICKEY: Cornmeal. Do you want it fried, or boiled?
RUBY: Oooh! We actually have a choice this morning? Fried, or boiled. Let’s see. Boy, that’s really a touch choice. Which do you recommend?
MICKEY: The fried cornmeal is good, today.
RUBY: I’ll have it boiled, then. God, this sucks. You’d think someone would have figured out how to make biscuits by now.
EULABELLE: Mmmmm… cornmeal biscuits… with gravy…
RUBY: We’ve been eating nothing but cornmeal for days. How do people live like this?
ROGER: Ah’d sell mah soul for just… a piece… of meat, Ah tell yew what!
TORGO: So would I, if I… HAD… one.
NEIL: Dammit. There’s all that nice game out there; polar bears, caribou, various waterfowl.
ROGER: Yew think yew can take down a polar bear? What with? Strong language?
GEORGIA: Besides, the Survivor Handbook says we’re not to kill and / or eat any of the local wildlife. Totally against the rules.
RUBY: It’s like they’re out there, taunting us. Smug bastards.
NEIL: You know, there is another source of food around here.
EULABELLE: All right, let’s not go losin’ our heads. We’re not THAT desperate. Not yet.
MICKEY: What do you mean? What are you getting at?
TORGO: The SHAME… that dare not… SPEAK… its… NAME.
NEIL: Well, there’s nothing in the Rules against that, is there, Georgia?
GEORGIA: I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure, anyway.
ROGER: How sure? Pretty sure, or real sure?
MICKEY: Sure about what?
GEORGIA: I mean, it’s probably OK as long as no one actually gets killed.
RUBY: What about accidents? What if someone was to meet with an unfortunate accident?
TORGO: An accident… COULD… happen… to any… ONE… of us.
MICKEY: Now I’m confused. I thought we were talking about food. Because we’re hungry.
NEIL: We could arrange it, to make it look like an accident. Who around here is most likely to meet with an accident?
EULABELLE: Someone whose mind can be easily controlled, mon. Send that person walking so that they fall into an ice crevice. Just like a zombie! Happens all the time!
GEORGIA: Yes, but then how do you get them out of the crevice?
NEIL: OK, it doesn’t have to be an ice crevice. He could slip on the ice, and fall, fracturing his skull.
ROGER: Who’d be stupid enough to do that?
MICKEY: I like my Immunity Necklace. It protects me.
NEIL: That’s right, Mickey. Say, why don’t you go over to that pond, and do a little ice-fishing?
MICKEY: No, I think I should wait here. The rest of you can go fishing, and I’ll wait here.
RUBY: This is going to be harder than we thought.
[Just then, Jeff Probst appears.]
JEFF PROBST: All right, you people must know that we’re observing you around the clock. And that all of our videotape would certainly be seized as evidence in any potential civil or criminal proceeding. So let’s have no more talk about this.
MICKEY: Talk about what? Ice-fishing? Is that what we’re talking about?
JEFF PROBST: * Sigh *. [To the crew]: OK, turn the cameras off for a second.
[A sudden jump-cut occurs, and we next see the Survivors seated on benches, across from a table, with Jeff seated behind it. Mickey looks visibly shaken.]
JEFF PROBST: OK, you guys have been here nearly a month, surviving on little more than cornmeal. The lack of protein and complex carbohydrates has taken its toll on both your bodies and your minds.
ROGER: Mah mind is as clear as it’s ever been, Ah tell yew what!
JEFF PROBST: So in order to keep something unpleasant from happening, we’re going to give you some decent food. We’ve given each of you 30,000 Yukon deniros, which works out to a little more than $200 US, which you can use to buy the various food items I’m going to offer you.
NEIL: Why not just give us the food? What are we, toys for your amusement?
JEFF PROBST: Neil, what did we just talk about?
NEIL: Oh right. Survivor Auction! Ooh-rah!!
JEFF PROBST: All right, the first item is a cup of coffee, and a croissant. I’ll start the bidding at 5,000.
GEORGIA: 5,000.
JEFF PROBST: Anyone else? Going once, twice, sold to Georgia for 5,000. Our next item is a frosty mug of Molson beer. Let’s start the bidding at 10,000.
ROGER: 10,000.
NEIL: 12,000.
ROGER: 12,500.
JEFF PROBST: We have a bid of 12,500. Going once, twice, sold to Roger!
[Roger pays for the beer, and chugs it.]
JEFF PROBST: OK, our next item is an ice cream sundae, with a pint of hot chocolate sauce.
RUBY: 15,000!
ROGER: 16,000.
RUBY: 16,001.
ROGER: 17,000.
RUBY: 17,001.
ROGER: 20,000.
GEORGIA: Come on, Roger, you don’t want that sundae on top of that beer.
ROGER: No, but this is more fun.
RUBY: 20,001!
JEFF PROBST: Anyone else? No? Going once, going twice… Sold to Ruby for 20,001 deniros.
[Ruby greedily attacks the sundae, chocolate sauce dribbling down her chin, her eyes rolling back in orgasmic pleasure. Jeff puts out the next plate.]
JEFF PROBST: Our next item is a ham sandwich with cole slaw, Doritos, and a can of Mountain Dew. Hungry, Torgo?
TORGO: The… MASTER… does not APPROVE… of eating ANIMALS… with cloven… HOOVES. Not to mention the… SHAMELESS… product… PLACEMENT.
JEFF PROBST: You’ve got your master; I’ve got mine. Shall we start the bidding at 15,000?
EULABELLE: 10,000.
RUBY: 10,001. Can someone lend me a couple deniros?
EULABELLE: You’re tapped out, child. I’ll bid 10,002.
RUBY: Oh, fine, then. I’m out.
JEFF PROBST: Anyone else? Sold to Eulabelle for 10,002 deniros.
TORGO: I’ll give… YOU… 5,000 for the… SLAW, Eulabelle. The… MASTER… wouldn’t object.
JEFF PROBST: All right, our next item is a chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy, corn bread, and assorted vegetables. Who’ll start the bidding at 10,000?
NEIL: 10,000.
TORGO: Fifteen… THOUSAND.
EULABELLE: 18,000.
NEIL: 20,000.
ROGER: I’ll go in on this with yew, Torg.
TORGO: I… APPROVE. 21,000.
GEORGIA: Neil?
NEIL: Sure.
GEORGIA: 22,000.
ROGER: 25,000.
GEORGIA: 26,000.
JEFF PROBST: We have a bid of 26,000; going once, twice… Sold to Georgia and Neil for 26,000.
EULABELLE: I’ll give you 5,000 for the potatoes.
NEIL: Make it 10,000. With the gravy.
EULABELLE: All right, mon, it’s a deal.
[Jeff puts out the next plate, which is covered by a lid.]
JEFF PROBST: OK, our final item is a mystery. Might be something good, might be something not so good.
MICKEY: 500.
GEORGIA: 1,000.
MICKEY: 2,000.
GEORGIA: 2,500.
MICKEY: 3,000.
GEORGIA: Forget this. It’s probably caribou colon, again.
JEFF PROBST: We have a bid of 3,000. Anyone else?
MICKEY: 5,000!
JEFF PROBST: OK. 5,000… going once, going twice…
MICKEY: 10,000!
JEFF PROBST: Sold to Mickey for 10,000 deniros. [Jeff pulls back the lid, to reveal a dead frog on a lily pad, with a side of blubber.]
MICKEY: WOO HOO! I hit the jackpot! Yes! A taste of home! I’ll eat it here, though.
JEFF PROBST: Of course you will, Mickey. All right. You’ve all done quite well, so your stomachs should be full and your minds clear for our next Immunity Challenge. So we’ll see you next time, on Survivor!
Day 30
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